you inspire me to be a worse person
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
