I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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