I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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