I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
