at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
