I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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