i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
