Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
