chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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