a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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