So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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