I cannot find my penis.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
