I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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