I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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