I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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