I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
