btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
