If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
