she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
