i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
