If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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