I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
a search helicopter?!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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