I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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