I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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