What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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