I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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