my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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