i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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