Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
