3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
