i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
