Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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