i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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