you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
