you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
