Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
