ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
