Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
