Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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