she told me i tasted like america
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
