I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
