Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
