3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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