ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
