It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
