I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
