is your mom at the bar?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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