And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
