I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
