well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
