My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
