i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
