I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
