Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
