I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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