why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
